Stirring the pot, raising hell and rearing children in the Bay Area

Coupon Me, Already

Posted on Nov 11, 2010 in Featured, Food |

Coupon Me, Already

Two years ago I started clipping coupons. In retrospect, I have no idea why. In two months  I saved $2 total on anything I really cared about. Cross-referencing that against my hourly rate, I lost about $200. What a crock. It took me another year to figure out that coupons aren’t meant for girls like me. Call it coupon discrimination:  there’s no coupons for my kind.

Build me a coupon system, already. I’m a paying customer with a willingness to engage with your brand and risk trying new ones if they fit into my lifestyle. Want a hint? Do this:

1. I eat organic food, I never buy crap. If you are doing any data mining of any kind, you would know this, at least by deductive reasoning. Will you, for the love of all trans-fats, please stop emailing me with photos of the Pillsbury Doughboy? That means, no “Buy three get one free on crescent rolls”, no ready-made cookie dough and no canned frosting in four raunchy flavors.

2. Find out about me. Like all women, I want to be wanted. I like unsalted almonds after a good run. I drink soy milk and tons of fresh fish. Got a deal on wild coho salmon? I’m there! I am willing to play the game, even use my time to do it, but you have to get to the ballpark. I like what I like and I’m willing to pay for it. I’ll spend more if you entice me. Speak to me about Omega-3s and I’m all yours. It’s not hard to find me. Track my purchasing habits and spit out some coupon other than Metamucil, Lunchables and canned fruit.

3. I have children, they are not in diapers. Oh, poor Enfamil, pity poor pathetic Similac, you are wasting your big-dollar samples on me?! You fools! You don’t have a database that’s smart enough to tell you that my children are 7-years-old!? You’ve been sending me diapers and formula for eight years. What freak has twin infants for eight years? Lead nurturing = fail. Upsell me, you silly self-obsessed brands. I would buy Zone bars from Abbot Nutrition, the makers of Similac, but the fools are two single-minded to figure out to to move me through the process.

4.  I will not clip jack. I will not cut out little pieces of paper and stick them in my handbag only to use them to dispose of half-chewed gum. If you want me, you come and get me in my playground: the Internet. Load my Safeway card, link to my eScrip and hook me up with mobile alerts, but please, do us both a favor, don’t bother sending me mail, crazy software downloads or silly hoop-jumping junk. Make it easy for me and I’ll hook you up — loyalty included. But don’t think I’ve got one more second for coupon-clipping crap. I don’t.

5. Speak with me. If I engage you, even once, don’t make silly assumptions and target me with five more kinds of rice cereal, instead, ask me why I buy rice cereal. You speak with me — even once — and I’m more likely to engage with your brand. Survey me, use me as a beta tester, play with me in social media. You know how to do it, why aren’t you?

I picked up a prescription today and five coupons popped out. The pharmacist laughed, “Like you need these!,” she said. Boy, was she right.