The Kids are Only Moderately Alright
Reading From Left to Write Book Club‘s October book, The Kids are Alright made me want to hurl the book across the room. The kids are not alright, not alright. It’s never alright to lose a parent. It’s not alright. Never.
My friend and neighbor died on Friday, just a day after I finished reading the book. He has three young children, ages just around the ages of Amanda, Dan and Liz. They are alright, as far as your-dad-just-died-but-don’t-forget-your-science-project-homework thing goes.
But, the truth is, those three beautiful kids will never be alright. There will always be a piece in them that lost their father when they were young. There will be a piece that is forever part of any puzzle — from father-daughter nights to wedding day aisle walks, from warm talk about manhood to power struggles with being the man of the house — it will never be alright that the family they built will forever have a piece called Dad that simply isn’t there.
The kids might be alright, but it will never, ever be right that they lost their dad this week.
Surprisingly, watching my neighbor friends take on death, taught me a lot about how I want to live. And for me, living means lists. The Kids are Alright did the same for me: it made me want to write lists. Maybe it’s a matter of controlling the uncontrollable. But from this week of reading and loss came a five-item To-Do List:
1. Get a living will. How come I don’t have this? Why doesn’t @la_gringa have this? I think because it’s money we don’t want to spend on a topic we don’t want to think about. But it’s been long enough. We each need a living will. If you’ve got a good estate attorney, let me know. We’re going to make this happen before the end of the month.
2. Talk to my family about what I would want to happen with my children in the event of my death or terrible illness. This is different that a living will for me. This means having the Talk. I want my family to know what my private dreams are for my children as they age including what I want for them idealistically (things like: secretly, I don’t care if my kids try smoking pot, but I do care where it comes from. Or: happiness comes before education no.matter.what.), and, what I want for my kids literally (i.e.: birth control pill as soon as the word ‘boyfriend’ hits her mouth without any judgement whatsoever. Or: If he gets in a fight on the playground remember to check his wounds both internally and externally before grounding his sorry ass). These are not estate issues, they are philosophical beliefs I have and want to share if something should happen to me.
3. Get a physical. Have @la_gringa get a physical. We have terrific health insurance and we’re in good health. But why wouldn’t we get an annual physical? Lame. No excuse. Just lame of me. What if I could have caught something early enough to fend it off? Or at least early enough to buy time to do the stuff I want to do. Get tests — cholesterol, blood pressure, mammograms — all things I never check that I really should. Calling now.
4. Go to church. Now you all know how I feel about this topic, but I am reconsidering all this right now. My friend who died this week was a tree hugger, full of love for nature. He was a believer. I don’t care what church it is or where it is, for that matter. I just care that if something happened to me and @la_gringa, that my kids would have a great, vast, large network of people who believe in the greater good and of the peaceful destiny of their parents. One thing about The Kids Are Alright that really bugged me was that there was little-to-no village for the kids. We’ve got a friend and family village, but I want one of faith for them to fall into.
5. Examine and up our life insurance policy. I have no idea why this keep sticking with me. But it does. What are the percentages? Should I have it or just @la_gringa? How much should it cost? What’s reasonable? We’ve always had some life insurance, but as kids age and needs grow, we need to look at this before the end of this month. Who has good rates? Good reputation. Again, if you know of a good one, let us know, we’re looking to do this now.
I know checklists are all for peace of mind. But peace and piece of mind both broke my heart for Amanda and Dan, Liz and Diana. I want to kick their dead parents in the gut, which is a horrible thing. But it made me angry to think they hadn’t provided for the What Ifs of life for their kids and family. I plan to take that frustration and put it into action immediately. If anything should happen to me, the kids wouldn’t be alright, but I would want to make sure they had the best chance to grow up as alright as I can possibly muster for them.
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Revisiting the Agreements
I walked into the house of a neighbor and on her kitchen counter was a giant frame with The Four Agreements written in it. It wasn’t a Hallmark purchase, it was a printout, carefully placed in the frame and front and center in the middle of the house. It was a statement of the obvious: Self Work Done Here.
I read The Four Agreements years ago — twice in fact — and found it to be directly on-target with my beliefs. I gobbled up the follow-up book and the workbook but The Mastery of Love and the Toltec Teachings fell on deaf ears for me. They were abstract, hard to grasp. And anyway, by then, Oprah and half the free self-help world were touting the writing of Don Miguel Ruiz. It turned me off. In fact, I thought that by definition, it was counter-intuitive to the Four Agreements.
The neighbor’s kitchen, though. That got me. These folks are cool, wealthy, beautiful. They’re IN. In fact, I’d bet my shirt they were never anything short of SuperCool. To see the Agreements written in their kitchen brought me a new perspective on them: depth.
I’ve gained a re-interest in The Four Agreements. Reading it over again (in a short afternoon), I remembered that not only did I believe in the Agreements, but that they were entire avenues of myself that I have neglected for a long, long time. There is work to be done in the realm of being true to my word, be the person that I know I am. And so here I revisit my Agreements. Maybe I’ll print them out and put them in my kitchen. I could use the reminder.
The Four Agreements
- Be Impeccable With Your Word.
- Don’t Take Anything Personally.
- Don’t Make Assumptions.
- Always Do Your Best.
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Side Gigs
