5. Victoria’s Secret Bras — the Up in the Uplift only works for as long as gravity takes to unlift the little darlings. They stretch like mad too, especially the IPEX line. Victoria’s Secret tops — Okay, so if you’re going to buy clothing from a mass market lingerie shop, then I’m not sure what I was expecting. However, I’ve pushed four shelf-bra summer dresses to a giveaway pile that I just bought in May and four halter tanks straight to the bin. VS can get you laid, but their color fades. Oh look, I rhymed.

4. Banana Republic summer tops — the cotton fabric, albeit soft and good basic style has absolutely zero staying power. Cotton tanks with lace unravel like mad and the tag in the back causes little holes on either side of it, knocking the $24 tank into the tanker.

3. Crocs. These things are bullshit and we all know it. First, they make my kids trip all over the place, second, there is no true sizing on the things and third, they stretch out and lose shape very easily. We opt for Keens instead.

2. Costco-bought random wear — I have no idea which sweatshop this stuff is made in, but it goes beyond even my deepest bargain shopping. This year alone we’ve thrown away (not even Goodwill’d) two bathing suits, two kids sweatsuits, about a dozen socks, two pairs of pajamas and an Easter dress.

1. The biggest offender of all in our house has absolutely no business charging $185 for one pair of fricking jeans. Shame on you, Joe’s Jeans (petite fit) and Seven for All Mankind (boycut) for actually getting smaller. Do you know how hard we work to stay in our jeans and you f with us by progressively shrinking them? My Joe’s were dragging on the floor five months ago, today they are above the ankle. That ain’t fashion, honey.

Top 5 Staying Power Clothes to Invest In

5. Kids Levi’s — The kids actually outgrew them before they tore, shrank or faded.

4. JCrew cotton skirts — Got mine at the outlets four years ago and wear them at least four months out of the year.

3. Bloomindale’s brand basic sweaters — The cashmere ones don’t hold up quite as well, but the plain sweaters, from pima cotton summer ones to merino wool winter ones have great fit, quality and solid fashion (although not top fashion). Sweaters run from about $75 to $250 but worth every penny for everyday use.

2. Ferragamo Handbags — Well, now, I didn’t buy my own Ferragamo handbag, it was a handmedown from my mom, but I’ve seen her use them for years and mine gets compliments all the time (it’s 8 years old). They quality is unsurpassed. The chances I’ll ever be able to afford another? Close to nil. But I got one!

1. Wacol Bras — Timeless, high quality, well built, well worth the near fortune for one set of booby holders.

So what’s wrong with you? Get shopping! My favorite shopping sites: Zappos, Etsy , Bloomingdale’s and, the necessary evil, Amazon.

The Crayola Sidewalk Paint Sprayer

Riiiight. Unless Crayola meant wash and wear, this paint is not at all washable, leaving stains on my sidewalk, bricks and children’s fingernails for days on-end (Yes, I washed the children and the bricks — although I gave the bricks a better scrubbing since they don’t yell at me.). Did the product mention the part about splattering out of the sprayer on all sides, leaving a massive green muck explosion on my walkway?
Rating: Colored Crap (CC)

Party Hair Color

Such a great day camp my kids attended that I’ll even forgive the “temporary” hair spray. So temporary, in fact, that it wouldn’t come out for six days. That’s six long days of strangers asking me if we were “at a carnival today?” I sent La Gringa scrubbing poor Thing 2′s scalp after photos from The Picture People came back a little, um, reddish on the noggin.

Rating: Colored Crap with bonus Chemicals. (CCC)

Elmer’s Squeeze ‘n’ Brush

And the winner for the dumbest Target purchase of the summer season: The Squeeze ‘n’ Brush which is more like Squeeze and Burst (All Over My Kitchen Walls). Washable? Okay, fine, on the table, yes, on the walls, sure with a little elbow grease and Clorox Cleanup, but on the kids and me? NFW. I can’t get that fricking paint out of my nail beds for all the manicures in Vietnam.

Rating: Exploding Colored Crap (ECC).

I’m sticking to Marks’a'Lot permanent markers. Even *that* washed off the kidlets easier — well, at least with a little baby oil and a brillo pad.

And by the way, what’s a mommy supposed to wear to the park? If I see one more pair of khaki 3/4 length pants and cut little shelf bra tank…

Anxious to see what the Wal-Mart 11 Moms think…