Is Boyscouts Morally Wrong for Us?
My kids have two moms. As you can imagine, this does not bode well for anything super right-wing. So I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised when I found out that my kid would not be welcome as a Boy Scout.
I knew that there would be places and people along the way that could pose issues for my child from having been born to same-sex parents. I had done my homework. It was only after a lot of research, thought, prayer, self-torture that I decided to have children by an anonymous sperm donor. As my children began growing up, I prepared myself and them for the day that we might be ostracized. And now, at the ripe age of 6 1/2, the day is here: My son wants to be a BoyScout.
I knew before I had children that being in the Boy Scouts was a likely no-go because of their (shockingly legal) stand on gay people. What I didn’t account for was that my son would want to be a Boy Scout so badly that I’d have to consider foregoing my own moral standards, and consider my son’s desire to be part of an organization that discriminates against his parents.
If you don’t know the back-story, here’s the brief recap: In 2000, the Supreme Court ruled (Boy Scouts of America vs. Dale) that The Boy Scouts of America was a private organization and could set whatever criteria they wanted for their membership. Today, the organization legally prohibits Atheists, Agnostics and Gay people. The organization fought to uphold the right to ban and refuse membership to any of the above. The ruling stands today.
My son is the grandchild of two Eagle Scouts who, by all accounts with the exception of faith, follow the Boy Scout creed and, indeed, are two of the most moral people I have ever known. To follow in their footsteps would be a great honor and my son believes with all of his heart that he will grow up to be like his granddads and obtain the very special honor of Eagle Scout. My first question was to my step dad who told me that the national organization had little to do with the local troops — it was all about the scout master and not about the politics. He might be right.
When I contacted our local troop leader, she replied with the following:
“ Pack *** is a family centered group, our focus and concern is with the child and welcome any boy wanting to participate in scouting. Our Pack does not discriminates against anyone due to their color, race, or religious practices. We encourage active participation of all family members regardless of what makes up a scouts family. We do not address private, personal, or political issues at the pack level. That is not our focus, again, the scout is our focus and concern. I hope to see your son there and look forward to meeting you.”
This gave me great hope, and I planned a date to take my son to his first meeting. That was until I was sent the 2010 Boy Scouts of America Bylaws, which states:
“We believe that homosexual conduct is inconsistent with the requirement in the Scout Oath that a Scout be morally straight and in the Scout Law that a Scout be clean in word and deed and homosexuals do not provide a desirable role model for Scouts.”
With that creed in-tow, a two-mom family’s son was kicked out of boy scouts in Vermont in 2009. It was followed by a deep decline in membership and loss of sponsorship including the United Way, director and Eagle Scout Steven Spielberg, Levi Strauss, Chase Bank and CVS. Entire states withdrew annual contributions. Religious organizations including the United Church of Christ, the Secular Coalition of America, and the Unitarian Universalists all issued statements indicating that any form of discrimination was against the teachings of Christ.
Despite all of this support, I remain confused about our decision about whether or not to allow our son to participate in Boy Scouts. I never want my child deprived of anything because of my personal choices. My partner and I talked about what to do. Do we want to roll the dice and allow him to participate, knowing that he could get kicked out? Should we try and divert efforts to something like Adventure Guides, the YMCA version of Boy Scouts? I have friends who have refused to be a part of Boy Scouts because it discriminates openly; are we hypocritical if we don’t follow suit?
Last week we sat down with our boy and explained to him the basic facts as cleanly and with as little opinion as we could muster. After he told us that he would karate chop anybody that didn’t like his two moms, he told us simply, “I want to go for it anyway. I know they could kick me out.”
The decision is here, yet I’m unable to make it without reservation. The Boy Scout law states that: “A Scout is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean and reverent.” Oh, the hypocrisy — if only the Boy Scout organization acted with the same vigor of their Law, then my son could have the chance to follow in the footsteps of their granddads and be an Eagle.
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Cheater, Cheater, Pumpkin Eater
t was a purple and gold dangling earring stuck between the back seats of my Saab convertible. It was cheap. And it wasn’t mine. In retrospect, it doesn’t matter at all whose earring it was, but during those dark days of being cheated on, I wish I’d had a manual — something like “The Girlfriend’s Guide to Cheating Bastards.”
I’ve been watching the Elin Nordegren/Tiger Woods nightmare in the latest saga of public figures cheating on their partners. Poor things just aren’t as abnormal as we think they are. I’d argue, in fact, that this is the most average Tiger has ever been. According to the Journal of Couple and Relationship Therapy, over 50 percent of married men and 60 percent of married women are cheaters.
Everyone from bookies to old bitties are waging on whether or not Elin will leave Tiger; how much Jon and Kate will settle for; whether or not the Governor of South Carolina is political toast; if NY Governor Elliot Spitzer’s Escort #9 will ever find love. Magazines swoon over extramarital sex scandal cover stories like David Letterman, Madonna, Reese Witherspoon and our dear world leaders Prince Charles, French President Nicolas Sarkozy and beloved Blue Gap Dress fan: President Bill Clinton. But extramarital infidelity is <<gasp>> average behavior for married couples in the United States. The tabloids aren’t writing about the fact that over half of us married folks are cheaters. It could be you, it could happen to you. Or both. I hate to say it, but the statistics (which have doubled in the past decade) don’t lie.
Celebrity or not, those first bleak days of discovering infidelity suck. My first actions were irrational ones: I went shopping for a wardrobe that was sexier, thinking it must have been my fault that my spouse cheated. I kept my children with a nanny a few extra hours so I could be available if my ex should be interested in seeing me instead of the hooch I’d been left for. In a panic, I subscribed to a handful of Save-My-Marriage websites, touting seminars and workshops to bring back my life. I bought books ranging from “He’s Just Not that Into You,” to “Infidelity: A Survivor’s Guide.” I joined the Surviving Infidelityonline forum (which was depressing as all getout).
Truth-be-told, I never found comfort in any self-help guides or any words of wisdom from friends who’d lived through cheating. I know many good, moral, kind, intelligent friends who have stepped-out of their marriages. I know just as many who are victims of a cheater. I spent months hating my friends that stayed with their cheating spouses, but loathed more the ones that had the courage to leave. I began to learn that cheating is simply a dirty little secret that only 40 percent of us married women haven’t indulged in (yet). Don’t shake your head at me. It’s ugly, but true.
I wish there had been some step-by-step guide for staying the course in an unraveling world. I worried about my children, about the stigmas ahead of me. I worried about losing money and my house and my seat at couples-only dinner parties. In the end, it was a cheating friend who gave me the only advice that inspired me: Desperate isn’t attractive.
I took those words and applied them to every part of the recovery process. I didn’t want to be desperate, appear desperate or feel desperate. I wanted to be attractive again. And for me, it was getting past the desperation and onto the business of living again. Eventually the chaos for me settled down, as it will for Elin and Tiger who have found themselves just a little more average than ever before. And life will go on, just like it does for the rest of us whose spouses found themselves on the bland, destructive side of infidelity.
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Sketchy at Best… My Letter to Secretary of State
Hello Secretary of State:
There is a question that has been strongly discussed in our community this week.
In short, without bias:
1. The Baptist Church of Willow Glen (in San Jose) has been vocal and strong advocates of pro-Prop 8. That is the church’s prerogative, of course.
2.However, this same church was an official POLLING LOCATION for the county.
3. This weekend, the church, which donated funds to the Yes on Prop 8 initiative, gave a strong sermon on why Prop 8 should be upheld. (and lectured on the benefits of opposing same-sex-marriage).
My concern, and those of the community around us, is that the Willow Glen Baptist Church acts as a legal California voting location, yet financially and, more importantly, socially, strongly and verbally support Prop 8.
Although we do not allow demonstrators withing 100 feet, I believe, of a polling location, this church, Willow Glen Baptist Church, preaches strongly on political issues, then acts as a legal and official polling location for residents. I find this not only abhorrent, but unjust. And beyond unjust, it is frightening for those who are selected to vote at this location.
Thank you.
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My Prop 8
Last night we as Californians gave more rights to animals and fewer to same-sex couples. It’s mind-baffling.
I have never believed in the idea of gay marriage — mostly for the icky visual. @LaGringa and I fighting over who had the better dress, nudging our way down the aisle, who would walk first? We’ve laughed about what a wedding to us would look like, and for both of us, it wouldn’t look like anything. We’ve got our families, the bling, the house and, almost weekly, get the giggles after 11 years of friendship.
But what I’ve learned through this process is that I *do* believe in gay marriage for one single reason: I believe in the civil rights afforded to every person, irregardless of who they go to bed with at night. On Sunday night, I started to panic — what if Prop 8 passes and we didn’t do anything to help? Are we hypocrites? Are we failing a community we’ve so deliberately shied away from? Would people I know ever vote to take away my basic civil rights they themselves are afforded?
On Monday I Twittered about where to dig up a ‘No on Prop 8′ sign and I was directed to the Democratic HQ in San Jose. As I walked in, a group of people were leaving to go hold signs at the main train station. I grabbed two signs and ran home to change clothes. If I was going to stand up publicly, I wanted to look as girly as possible.
At the train station I was surrounded by other No on Prop 8 sign holders. Many of them were from my town, several had their kids in tow. These folks weren’t some radical freaks, they were moms and dads giving an hour of their own time. An hour to a parent is so precious. Not even one person I demonstrated with was in a same-sex relationship. NOT ONE. These were parents of young children, smart, educated, friendly, kind people who stood by me on a rainy Monday night to fight for MY rights, not theirs. I have rarely been so humbled.
I carried my sign around all day on Tuesday, stopping at random places where Yes on Prop 8 folks gathered. I did not speak (and you know for me, that’s a feat), instead, I smiled. I held my little sign that said, “Equality for All” on major street corners in San Jose and Campbell. I got waves and honks and smiles and thumbs up. Once I got a “boo!” and twice someone screaming out their car, “Yes on 8!”, but hey, I was good a good target. A buddy of mine saw me and pulled over, came to the median to chat with me while I held my sign. He’s a die-hard Republican. He told me not to worry, that all his Red friends were voting No on 8. His words, “Everyone knows that that’s ridiculous.”
Somewhere in the middle of this, I started to think about Portia and Ellen deGeneres. Were they freaking out? Calling their lawyers? Standing on street corners like me? I decided to txt @laGringa and call our tax accountant. If we were going to get enough of a tax break, that would be reason enough to head down to the courthouse. We agreed to go, made an appointment for 4 p.m. when a mass marriage was being held for folks that had the same idea we did. I drove to the courthouse and… well, that’s as far as we got. I chickened out.
As the polls unfolded last night, @laGringa and I were profoundly sad. Were we such bad people that we should give more rights to animals and less to us? How do we explain that to our children?
Today, we have gotten condolence calls, hugs, txts, voicemails and emails. I sat on a bench rewinding the last few days and came away with this: I live in a community that stands by me, for me and grieves with me. I live where I am free, treated with respect and dignity. There is not one same-sex couple on my street, yet there are multiple “No on 8″ lawn signs up and down the little suburban nook I live in. I am blessed.
Indeed, we lost basic civil rights last night. It is serious and grotesque and it’s not over yet. But that was last night. The fallout for me has been profound: I gained a reminder of how lucky I am, how honored we are to live amongst such an extraordinary community. And further reminded how deeply I adore and respect my spouse.
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Not Quite the Blue I Was Hoping For
I don’t know why it is that I assume that every.single.person I know and respect must be an Obama voter. I didn’t say Obama fan, freak or bumper-sticker-holder, but simply an Obama Voter.
But my view of the world, quite obviously isn’t shared by all, and certainly not all that I know. Four examples this week kicked me flat on my face in disbelief. What can I learn from it? I’m not sure. Do I care enough to invest in trying to change just one vote? Nah, not in California since CA is going to go to Obama. But you have a look-see and tell me what you think:
Two hot girls walk into a bar and start chatting with the bartender…
Description: Tatooed dude, overweight but jolly, kind eyes.
Lifestyle: Broke and happy. Loves his life as a single dad, loves his kid, great smile.
On Obama: He’s the worse of two evils.
On Palin: She’s so fucking hot. Don’t you think she’s hot?
On McCain: …
On voting Red: I am not that into the idea of scaling down the military since I’m a military guy; my dad was in the military and I was in the Navy. I didn’t like it when Clinton did that. It pissed me off.
On being Anti-choice: I got a girl pregnant. I’d never let her have an abortion. She wasn’t my girlfriend. I just was a man about it. You gotta step up. I stepped up, so that’s not an excuse.
The Boy Next Door…
Description: White guy, medium build, football and sports fan/coach/ref.
Lifestyle: Family guy, divorced and remarried, young kids, straight laced, Catholic.
On Obama: He doesn’t have hardly any experience. He’d better pick a good running mate, but that won’t make a difference for me.
On Romney: He should be President. He knows how to run a business and America is just one big troubled business.
On McCain: …
On voting Red: I’m voting for the most experienced candidate. And I don’t want any more taxes.
Playground Whispers…
Description: Two white women with young children under age 12.
Lifestyle: Relatively upper middle class, married, church going, community involved, SAHMs.
On Obama: I wish they would have had him run for office in eight years. It’s just too early. I am older than him!
On Palin: She’s got it all together. It’s great to see a woman who has it all: work and family. …They are going to call her a bitch, but if it was a man, they’d call her tough.
On McCain: He’s gonna die in office and Palin will be President.
On voting Red: She represents ‘us’.
I’m a Libertarian, Right Dad?
Description: White first-time voter male
Lifestyle: Middle class, great family, junior college
On Obama: He doesn’t know jack shit. He’s trying to be too popular.
On Palin: She’s cool. She’s not going to be President anyway.
On McCain: He’s obviously the most experienced one.
On voting Red: Since Ralph Nader isn’t in the election, I’m going with McCain.
On Abortion: I only had one girlfriend have to have an abortion. Mexico is like a six-hour drive if abortion was ever illegal anyway.
I’ve had my ears open for a couple of weeks, trying to understand outside perspectives. I’m not going to knock on doors, make calls or invade people’s privacy; it’s just not me. Not to mention, in some cases, La Gringa and I could swing a vote in the wrong direction, so I’m trying to be mindful there too.
I am constantly amazed at how, like CNN reported today: “We keep telling them the facts, but people want to vote the way they want to vote, despite facts.” (in reference to Palin lying about the Bridge to Nowhere fiasco). I wonder, is it just smart, sophisticated people that vote Blue in this election? Maybe that’s why I counted 14 Obama lawn signs within 1/2 mile radius of my house, but not a single one for McCain. Are there lawn signs for McCain in Pennsylvania? I’d like to know…
And it’s just not in my neighborhood that I’m seeing such strong, unexpected divisions: On Twitter, I’ve had to unfollow several people whose daily lives I’ve followed for more than six months because of the aggressive stance in favor of Sarah Palin and John McCain. One woman I correspond with sent me a “Which Candidate Kills Babies” document. In many cases, on Twitter, in particular, people are drawing lines bases on political affiliation in a zone I’ve thought to be agnostic and accepting.
Facebook seems to be much more in-line with my own philosophies, but a bit trendy in the Obama frenzy. It’s cool to be an Obama fan. My ex-boss is a state senator in a swing state, and he even has backed off from being vocal. Facebook appears to be a popularity contest where Obama is king.
There is hope, though: I’ve yet to see a “McCain is my Homeboy” t-shirt.
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HRC Baby, You Know Me
I feel like I need to get this on “paper” for my daughter: Thank you Hillary Clinton for your work tonight. You represented me, my mother and my daughter so well. You made history tonight; feminine, a pro, direct, American, a class act. I can’t imagine what it was like tonight for you. But I’ll tell you what it did in this family:
“Eighteen million cracks in the ceiling,” makes it just a tiny bit easier for my girl to blast through it someday.
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Side Gigs
