No Boobies from Santa, Please
I took the Things to Toys’R'Us yesterday to get their much deserved Pokemon cards and to get ideas for Christmas gifts. I am thinking, like all of us these days, that Santa is on a Budget and might want a little lead-time on gifts. Strolling the aisles went from being a fun adventure to a head-shaking wonk. I couldn’t believe the inappropriateness of toys being sold today. I give you this, I’m old fashioned. Even still, I have never seen toys this obscene in my life.
We’ve always said, girls toys suck. There are some cute Lincoln Logs for girls and a few decent toys if you look hard enough. But overall, I’m pretty certain my daughter would rather play in the backyard with a bouncy ball or ride her bike than brush fake hair on a plastic doll. And the whole makeup on little girls thing? What a crock. This year, the toys targeted at boys are not much better. My son is all for fantasy, but war and killing really aren’t the basics of what we’re trying to bring home. Thanks all the same.
Some of the worst offenders are the marketing freaks at Disney. There is an entire aisle at Toys’R'Us and at Target that are dedicated to frigging Hannah Montana, who my daughter says is (a) boring and (b) a terrible singer and (c) wears ugly clothes. I might, for example, be interested in buying my daughter a microphone for Christmas. But the only microphones are Hannah Montana or The Jonas Brothers. I might be interested in getting my son a large remote control truck, but, just like Mommy’s car, I’d really prefer if it wasn’t outfitted with weapons. Talk about road rage.
There were three items I found to be borderline in actually selling in the stores. At one point I was thinking to myself, “Oh shit, I sound like Michelle Duggar” but then I got pissed. How dare you sell inappropriate toys to my children. And what is your definition of children? And where is your sense of moral value? So, in typical Garza Girl fashion, I’m going to out you rotten scoundrels.
The Styling Head — This offensive toy looks pretty benign until you roll your hands across the big boobies popping out of the box. The toy, which is supposed to be a hair playing toy (which is lame all unto itself), barely shows the hair or hair accessories at all. But the boobies? Oh yes, you are selling big push-up boobies (bra included!) to my six-year-old child.
Styling Head
The Splatster — This toy is a wireless paint draw tool. It’s designed to splat paint onto your TV (again, why am I painting on a TV instead of paper is beyond me). The tool is so hideously phallic that I had to grab it out of my child’s hand. I was so shocked that I took it in my own hand looking for where the jig was — maybe it was missing a part? I understand this is supposed to be a paintbrush, but I swear on the stack of porns under your husband’s bed, this thing looks and feels just like a dildo. And don’t tell me, Fisher-Price didn’t figure that much out. And don’t tell me I have a dirty mind. Because, yes I have a terribly dirty mind, but I was amongst a group of parents that were standing around this new-to-market toy staring in shock.
Phallic Toy
Forces of Valor Sherman Tank — This might be the worst offender of all. This isn’t the 1950s tank that you roll across the living room floor while your parents watch Lawrence Welk. This horrible, grotesque toy has realistic sounds of people dying, being shot, the roar of the tank and more. The tank itself it touted for being realistic. I actually grabbed my son physically away from this toy as he pushed the button and the sound of military dying comes crashing across Aisle 12 across from the Batman action figures. The reality of war right in your livingroom. The hatefulness of death and destruction right there by your fireplace direct from the North Pole?
Death for XMas
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